Something clicked.

I know this is Xanga and nobody does Xanga. In fact it was never in. But still here it is. Still.

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see, lyricstop
And you'll realise that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...

yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
yeah...

Do you remember it? You said it was about me and you. And today something clicked within me. An old wound has opened and my chest is tight yet again. I knew that the chapter was closed. But what if I was lieng to myself all these years? Today sitting with Armani in my lap, with him next to me on the couch watching television I was flipping through magazines. And it hit me. It all clicked in. I can't go with it any longer. I don't love in fact i don't even like. So was it all a lie or did I actually believe it? I know I don't love you as strongly as I did years ago, but I think I still do. Somewhere deep down. I mean if I didn't would I lose track of what I've been doing everytime I see you. We see eachother less and less and next year it will be close to imposible to come across each other - I'll be in New York every minute I have which is every minute of my day .... There will be jobs, men, shops, partyes and no time for you. But why do I feel so broken all of a sudden?

My mind is telling me something and I know what it is now. Why I see that men, because he looks like you. But our destinies are fixed. You will forever stay with her and I will move on to  marry an older man, a much older man. Everything seems to go according to plan as usual. I got everythign I wanted, I've been guided all along to what will be best. But somehow that didn't include you.

Maybe it's all just nostalgia to somthing that once was. This is the time when each one of us falls apart. This is not what I had in mind years ago. I thought you would be in the picture, the dress would be different and I believed that I would be diffenrent. But no. I'm friends with people who I said I hated, my hair is still black. But it's a diferent black. The goth girl given way to the grown up sophisticated lady who frankly walks on heads and doesn't cares who she hurts. And why should she? One thing didn't change thought - I can't drive to save my life.

It seems like everything turned exactly like I once said I didn't want it to be. But I think I'm happy. I am. It's just I miss you. I really do.

But then in the end you were the one who picked our destiny. You chose to be a coward. You chose to watch me be happy with other men. Now I hope you're happy. But I know you're not .................

Goodbye to the Circus. I hope you enjoyed the show. It might re-open in the future. But I don't know ............

Goodbye.

Goodbye Xanga.

Forever and always your's N.

Good evening.

Stuff is always up around me. New amazing and very unlikely friends, more trole that I get myself in. New people, new people wo propose to me. New nubmers, new phones. Life is pretty interesting here. Prom is in less then 2 weeks and I'm takign the SATs in less then 3. But at least I have great people to support me, and at times it doesn't matter when their located at - Russia, down the street, or Chicago.

So new updates.

I got another cell phone. This time I went with a Sidekick II. And I happend to love it very much. Yesterday it took only a very reveling shirt and a short skirt to have a new phone in less then 5 minutes. And less then 20 minutes to get new phones for everybody else plus another line for Father.

Parents have made up so it's nice, now I can have all the money in the world - his way of making it up to us. And I'm not saing that it's the worst one. Today every 70 numbers in my phone book got a text message or a call with a new number of mine. FOr another mounth ofcorse I'll be rocking two phones, because I can. Plus peopel are still confused wich one they should call and text.

Ash has been callign a lot lately, it's been three years since I met him. nd in that time I managed to get few new peircings, four tattoos and move three times. His gonna tour this summer and I should probablly go down to see him ... But maybe it will happend earlyer ... Since his coming to NYC in the beginning of May. Yesterday we spended two hours on the phone chatting about all sort of stuff. It was nice ....

I'm being a bit of a freak here because of SATs but at least I've got peopel to help me out who already took them ... Also I got in touch with my inner getto side. It's kind of fun since now I hang out with both "goth" kids and "getto" kids. On thursday me and my new getto crew went out ot catch a movie - it was fun. I doubt that I laughed that hard in the last 2 years. Also I noticed that I'm waaaaay calmer when I'm alone without any other child that i have to watch and that I'm not being paid for. I guess I'm just tired of peopel who don't know who they are ...

Yesterday me, Carla and Wendy were suppose to chill but it was rainign and I got home pretty late ... So that wasn't nice, but I should get together with them this upcoming week. Today me, Mother and Stella went to her Briadal Shop to get Mother a dress - it's black (duh!) and  she looks amazing in it. Unlike Stella's gown - pretty yucky and she looks fatter then she really is in it ...

Today went to see Scary Movie 4, not the greatest one ... But I should probablly get together with the boys to see it again, cause it's gonna be funnyer with them ... Speaking of boys, I have one that is freaking me out. It took me 10 minutes to be supportive and now he thinks that we're ment to be together. And as everybody knows I'm *very* uncomfortable when being touched. So yeah ... Also all of a sudden everybody want to chill with me. I guess when I don't have a sidekick on my side I'm way more appealing ... Well, now I have one to be attacked to me 24/7 but I don't mind it.

On Monday I'm starting the project called "Women's Fashion Throught The Years" also on Monday i belive I have to be in Flushing pretty damn early in the morning negoshiating prices for the new Studio "Time For The Art" .... Yes, my Fathes is openign up his own with no partners in tow ...

I'm also being freaked out like non before because of the Art Schools that I'm facing. And yes, Alex had a great idea that I shuld go to his school in London but it won't work out this way ....

Latelly I've been all into the Emperial Russia and the Royal Family. And ofcorse into the vintage stuff ... The amount of money that I spended on the cute things and very high. And I now know who caused the fire at the Antique Store - my grandparents' friend. Ouch.

Torres is getting back to her sences so in order to make up for the way she was acting she tought me how to dance some Spanish dance and a little of belly dancing. It was fun. I also hope that Wade's goign to come back cause I found the most cutest thing for the baby - and i want to give it to her. I'm gonna miss her ... But home baby's gonna be fine.

Strange dreams keep on appearing, it's getting stranger. But at the same time interesting ....

Starting tomorrow I'm goign to study up on my poisons. Another thing I got caught up in - different methods of killings without leaving any clues. And no, I am not plannign on killing anybody. According to my dear friend Nick I'm not that kind of girl. I'm too sweet for that.

That's that. I'm pretty tired, so I should crash.

Love ya all.

Forever your's, Nora.

A girl in a white dress, standing in the night. Rain is pouring down, washing of the paint. She's with a boy, a boy who looks into her yellow eyes. She pickes the flowers up, she walkes into the night. She knows when night is right, she knows when the moon won't lie .....

Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...

And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December

That December forever in me, with the sight of the first snow. The snow that will always remind me of him .............

Hello.

Long time, no typing. Few tears, many news, few failed tests, many texts and IMs during Algebra. Few happy momant, few sad moment and lots of dead bodys! Literally!

Okay, probablly the most important thing rightn ow is that my parents are separating. Latelly they've been havign too many fights and stuff so their calling it quits, at least for now. So Father is lookign for an appartment of his ouw and moving out, I'm staying with Mother ofcorse. At first I was quiet upset and stuff, but latelly I've been thinkign and reilised - it's for the best. Maybe things would get better? So that's that.Parents are still not talking really and dad's been occuping the couch for the past week.

Also a while ago I got my prom dress. To tell the truth I don't exactlly love it and it's not enough vintage-y for me. But leave it to me to make it fabulous! Right hair, right jewelery and hopefully a right tux on a date will make it alright.  So my dear Norma is coming on Friday April 28th to my place to make magick - on my hair ofcorse. Before that I'm gonna have to do lots of things - find jewelery, find where to get a stupid boutoneer [spelling?!] for Brian and where he should order my coursage. Also I have to buy Prom tickets otherwise it'd be hillarious to get everythign but hte tickets. And I have to finilly sign up for SATs. Goddess help me! As far as the dress, everythign is wrong with it except for the color - black. It's not puffy enough so I have to wear petticoat, it's see-througth on the bottom so the petticoat's got to be black, it's layered, it has stupid beads on it that we're taking off, and it's straples which completelly goes against my plan for the "Phantom of the Opera" inspired dress ... So I'm probablly gonna add my own straps. The other good thing is that it has a corset and I can deffinetly wear another one under it - which is amazing because the less air to breath I have the better. Over all, it's not bad but not supper-dooper amazing. But it was the best one they carried.

On tuesday I get to go to school at 6:15am and go to Lime Academy to draw nude people, joy! The good thing is that I get to miss a full day of school, but on the other hand will totally miss Photo Class and my sweet boys in Art, since half of them can't go on the tripp and the other half simply will forget abotu it. But it is the last trip of the year, and I'm forced. Gonna have to make sure that my iPod is charged, so is my phone and have as much food and cigaretts as possible ....

Went to New York to see the very talked about "The Body: Excibition" - it was borring, stupid and I'm pretty sure fake. At least it all didn't feel or smell like a corpse. I know we weren't allowed to but hey, it's me we're talkign about - ofcorse I poked the corpse! So I wasn't super excided abotu it, but I did like the section abotu the kids. And I got cool socks ... So it was okay. I also bought like 10 handbags at Barneys and everybody loves me there. Yay.

End of the year is uproaching soon and I'm freaking out because as soon as this year end I magically turn into a senior and good bye easy life! With all the colleges, universitys, art classes, insane teachers such us Spinner, Cusanno and Wake on my back who's already tryign to decided my future. Wade is really afreid that I'm gonna become a striper and she'd have to find me around rich man in of those places, which makes me question what is she plannign on duing in that kind of place? Anywyas I'm a bit afreid, want to take SATs and get it over with and start on the schools. NYU is already sending me applications for the next year (Fall 2006) and other school calling me to ask bunch of stupid questions and to tell me that their interested is such creative people us me. Imagine the convo going on when I'm counting seconds while putting my pictures to Mansosn's "Spade"? Which by the way turned out fabulous - everybody loves it. And to be honest so far the most interesting one so far, also I can't help it but I loooove the "Bicycle", and Miss Sara M.'s "Vermilion" - a very nice job. With other's I'm less then impressed, but then again I'm a very tough critic to please.

Also after a very long time of silent treatment and me being completelly sure that Mr. Big is out of my life once and for all - he comes back as if he realised that I might finilly be slipping away and puts me right back into my Sand Clock and then watches me slowlly chock on the sand that's falling on me from the top .... Props to him for the perfect timing when I needed somebody to help me during this pretty damn difficult time. But also who will probablly never finish me up and will forever and ever talk in riddles with me, watch me beat against the glass tryign to figure out his diffcult task. The latest one had me giggle a little and then question - am I insane? Or is he? Jesus will same me? Jesus will same me?! Nobody can save me! After you my dear had fucked with my heart and mind - noone will ever be able to save me!!! I trapped myself in the hallways of Hell, Hell of my own making ... The Hell of loving you. What should my next step be?

Unless ofcorse the last comment had nothign to do with Mr. Big, then I apologaise and take back everything I typed above. But above all I still care for you very much ....

Anyways, even thought my parents are spliting and I have school and teachers on top of me - I realise that I still have too many unsolved mysteries ahead of me. So I'm still in high alert and up for anything or anyone. Well, almoust. If you need to see me or talk, you know where and how.

Always and forever your's, Nora.

She's waiting for her Phantom, she wants to be posessed again. She wants to be in his power .... She's waiting, she's wondering around .... He who created her, will forever hold her.

In sleep
he sang to me,
in dreams
he came . . .
that voice
which calls to me
and speaks
my name . . .
And do
I dream again?
For now
I find
the Phantom of the Opera
is there -
inside my mind . . .
Sing once
again with me
our strange
duet . . .
My power
over you
grows stronger
yet . . .
And though
you turn from me,
to glance
behind,
the Phantom of the Opera
is there -
inside your mind . . .
Those who
have seen your face
draw back
in fear . . .
I am
the mask you wear . . .
It's me
they hear . . .
Your/my spirit
and your/my voice,
in one
combined:
the Phantom of the Opera
is there
inside your/my mind . . .
He's there,
the Phantom of the Opera . . .
Beware
the Phantom of the Opera . . .
In all
your fantasies,
you always
knew
that man
and mystery . . .
. . . were both
in you . . .
And in
this labyrinth,
where night
is blind,
the Phantom of the Opera
is there/here
inside your/my mind . . .
Sing, my Angel of Music!
He's there,
the Phantom of the Opera . . .

You know he is, Angle. And you can't run or hide.

Good evening.

So many days of silence, right? So many tears, so many chills, so many cigaretts, so many phone calls, so many interesting invitations .... And yet again I feel like a lifeless creature who is incredibly upset over the fact that she's all alone - so lifeless and so alone in this cold World. I get I'm just lonelly at this moment ... I miss him. I really do.

Well first thing first - I turned 17 on Monday March 6. And dear Goddess was I emotional on that day. Everythign seemed to be just fine, I woke up had like trillion mmissed calls and twise as much text messages. I finilly realised that people may not love or care but they know and feel what's best for them. So over all that made me quiet happy. I then called Kat to blab with her for a little while, it was nice. The way it always is. I love the fact that we can talk abotu everythign from boys to fashion, from drugs to music. I'm really connected to her at this stage of the game.

After this I was watching TV, turned down all the propositions to go out. For some reason I was just feeling very strange - and then a little while later I felt this strange feeling that was telling me not to go to dinner. But I was dumb enough not to follow it, then the food was very gross (we went to a franch restorant) then when we got back home I had a little mouse hunt next to the garbage cans, but instead of mouse I took 20 World Incyclopedias. They were pretty!!!! And then for no apparant reason I picked a fight with both ofmy parents and cryed myself to sleep. I guess I was PMCing. Oh well .... I made up with both of them the following day.

The rest of the week was usual - short school days since sophmores had CAPT. Also it started to get warmer. But I was still quiet emotional. I cryed few times again but because of weird thing - first was when a vampire in a movie died. All I can say in my deffend here is that he was hot. And then when Mother was tellign me a story about a women who was abused by her husband. But yeah, after that I wanted to cry but didn't.

Also during this pretty short time period I spended lots of time thinking about Magick. Latelly I read too many books and watxhed too many movies and did too much research on the matter of Good and Bad, Evil and Angelic, Darkness and Light. And it hit me a bit - I need to choose my side. I can't spend forever being stuck in the middle. I weighted in all "fors" and "againts" and realised that I man not be as Angelic as I thought I was .... It was going back into the childhood - those everytimes when weird things would've happened. From the time when I first told my mother that I'm a witch - I was 3 years old and noone ever told me showed me who witches were. I kind of learned that on my own - and hi! : 3 years old? But the funny thing is that I never belived that I was born to use white magick, from day 1 I was sure that black magick is my department. Every now and then I would lose the ability to see clearly, but then it would come back. At least 3 times a year I would strongly feel presence of somethign else .... And also ever since I was little small anymals refused to live next to me - the would simply die. THe longest I held a pet was about 5 to 6 years. And it was my dog - Laik. That's it everybody else would die, turtles too! Sooner or later everythign would die. I'm in constant fear about Mia ........... Also all the times we would have poltergaists in the house. And as far as I can remember it happend 5 times at least ..... And the times when I can see my body but I'm outside of it .... Yeah, so anyways as I thought abotu all this I started to realise more and more that I might just be playing too close to the Dark Side. And it stops scaring me, I guess it even makes me a bit ... happy. I think I'm becoming a witch who's dealing with black magick. Hmmmm.

Also with all the research on black magick and stuff I start to realise sertain aspects of my relationships. I really start to belive that there's love spells involved and nothign white there. But at least now I know what I'm dealing with ... And all the parts come together and now there's really noone to blame. So .... Yeah.

Last night I had my birthday party. It was sweet - noone got fucked up, noone threw up, noone fell over and made out with *everybody*. It was lovely. But I need more glamor - I'm sorry. But I just do. Over all the party was the best one yet but there was only one thing I missed the most - Mr. Big. But what's ment to happend will, and I might be ready to use love spells but it just won't be fair especially if his already under them. Hm.

Right now I have living room full of drunk people, I got lots of pretty and some very useless things and also got 300$. So it's all good. Tomorrow I'm gonna call Jason and scream at him because I want my paycheck! So that's that. Now I need to go and check on the drunks. I really start to boil up right now.

Love you all my dears. More infor later.

Forever and always your's, Nora.

I took the picture and I posed for it.

The witch at work, with the usual stereotypes and usual point hats. Do I look bad now?

Hello.

It was a little past midnight. A women in an amazing black, silk dress and vintage rubies was standing in front of a 9 feet mirror and nervesly smoking. Only 10 hours were between her and the new pain of a beautiful tattoo. The one she'd fall in love with just hours later. She was critically admiring herself and the dress, the dress she'd be wearing in only two weeks to her 17th Birthday. She felt a bit lonely, a bit scared, and very exided. The women of 17, the women who grew up too fast, the women who owned herself before she learned who Manolo Blahnik was. A women who held a job and a women who quitted that job, a women who was about to experience a pain of a forth tattoo. A women who had her future planned out ....

That women gave herself a spin in front of a mirror, kicked of the latex heels. Climmed out of the dress and all the lingere that was under there. Put on her bathroom robe and thougth ot herself - should I wear a garter or no? Silk is a diffifuclt material to handle - it gave out each mole, each peircing on her body. She shrugged, threw the burned out cigarette into an ash tray, turned around and left the black and while bedroom.

She marched to the bathroom, turned on the luke warm water and climbed into the shower. All she could think about while she was under water was two things - her future tattoo and the man she fell in love ttwo years ago. She thoguth to herself - if it's ment to be, it'll happend, if not - you'll be happy with someone else. And no the tattoo won't wash out, and will not pill of with the skin! When she figured that out she got out of the foggy bathroom and went back into her bedroom. The appartment was silend and dark - just the way she loved it. She stood in the middle of the room for few secod, shook her head and took out a black and while corset with flowers engraved in it. She silently laced herself in thinking - "I guess Dita isn't the only women who can lace herself into a corset." After she was done she poured herself a glass of Absinthe, the then put two sugar cubed over a spoon and poured icy cold water over it. Watched the Absinthe go from bluish-greenish to milky green. She steared it with a spoon, licked the spoon and left it on her night stand ... She then walked over to the window - laced up in a corset that prevented her from breathing and made her bones deforme, with a vintage glass filled with Absinthe she lighted up a cigarette, sticked it into a lond 9" filter and inhaled. It was beautiful - a sleeping city, a hot sensetion of Absinthe and a beautiful Malbore Light 100.

What can be best she thoguth to herself? Only a men to see it ..... She felt the eyes of a stranger on her, always for that matter. But there was nobody in a room .... Just her, her Absinthe, her cigarett and a mess of garter belts, bras, corsets on the bed. She smiled and whispered "Why can't it always be so beautiful? Why can't people be beautiful?"

Ten hours later the women with diamond rings set in a very uncomfortable possition, biting the corner of a pillow - feeling the tears building up in her eyes. Another tattoo being put upon her. Another one to mark the jerney of her life. She smiled to herself and continued starring at the floor. And only then I realised that this women is me .....................

I love you all very much and hope and pray that one day you all can become beautiful.

Always and forever your's, Nora.